How to be emotionally supportive
Frame your questions and conversation the right way, and don’t emphasise only winning and losing. “Tell me about your game.” “Are you feeling thoughtful, calm, focus, creative?” “What opening are you expecting?”
Introduce the idea of judging results by something other than your score. Set alternative goals like:
- avoiding time trouble
- sitting at the board and working hard
- predicting opponents’ moves so as not to be surprised
- coming up with a logical plan that fits the position
- playing creative or beautiful ideas
- accurately calculating a really long line
- avoiding simple (1-2 move) calculation mistakes
Ask your child to show you the game and explain it to you, even if you don’t play chess. Ask questions about the child’s thinking process: Tell me about that move. Why did you go there? What surprised you? Do you think your opponent played [this or that part of the game] well? What did you think was the best move here? What was your plan?
Listen as the coach goes over his or her game. You’ll get a window as to how your child makes decisions and gain insight into their thinking process. Coaches also tend to do a better job when other people are listening.
Look for a teacher who gives homework, has many students whose ratings have increased, asks for games in advance, reviews previously taught material, provides easy to understand opening reference sheets.
“I think showing whole games is a crazy way to teach. Whole games are so complicated, the idea that a child is going to extract a lesson from something that took Magnus Carlsen six hours to understand is ridiculous. Chess has to be broken down by the coach into chunks.”
Avoid teachers who always teach the same opening, or predominantly plays against your child during the lesson, or shows whole games or his own games, and talks most of the time instead of engaging with the child, asking questions and listening.