The Chinese version of The Conscious Parent: Transforming Ourselves, Empowering Our Children was published by Shanghai Academy of Social Sciences Press in 2013. The author is Shefali Tsabary.
The Conscious Parent is a book explaining parenting in psychological and emotional perspectives. Being “conscious” means that we have to keep alert to whatever we experience, accept and handle it according to its original forms, rather than dare to control or change it. In other words, when we are bringing up children, we need to follow their own personality and accept their true self. Parents’ consciousness and transformation in attitude mark the real beginning of education. Only when parents find their way back to their body and soul can they succeed in bringing up a whole and healthy child.
"This book leads us to explore and contemplate the truth about the relationship between parents and children from the perspective of psychology."
Dr. Tsabary, the author, points out that parents and children are teammates in the journey of life, with the equal mutual help being the core of parent-with-child relationship. If parents are willing to give up vanity, arrogance, dominance and to respect the born nature of children, they can build up an intimate and harmonious connection with their children. If parents are willing to open their hearts, learn in practice, and seek answer in the interaction with children, they can fulfill progress and development together with their children.
Applying her research results in psychology, Dr. Tsabary encourages parents to undergo the hard times with love and sincerity. With that, they are also able to tackle the difficult issues in parent-child relationship and realize the mental consciousness. The parenthood advocated by her not only attains the integration in nurturing children’s body, mind and soul, but also enables a complete growth for parents.
Being “conscious” means that we should keep sensitive to everything we experience, accept and handle it according to its original forms, instead of daring to control and change it. To put it in other words, when we are cultivating our children, we need to follow their true nature and accept their true self. It is mentioned in the book that: perfect parents is a mirage. There is no ideal parents and no ideal children.
Most of the time, what makes parents feel impotent is not ignorance, but the inability to practice those simple and comprehensible parenthood. Perhaps, it is this state of “being unable” that destroys our definition of parental roles and the sense of fulfillment.
This book, in psychological perspective, leads us to observe and explore the truth lied in the parent-children relationship, and guides us through the emotional and spiritual intricacies in the journey of bringing up children. Parents’ consciousness and transformation mark the real beginning in education. Only when parents find their way back to their body and soul can they help children to grow into a holistic person.
This reading session is profuse in innovative reviews and quotes. After the session, Wendy concluded that, a majority of people in life are on the way in haste to unpredictable tomorrow and future. The origin of anxiety is rooted in the failure of connecting with their beings and the misconception that the action of “doing” can remove anxiety. Specifically, there are four kinds: 1. pursuing; 2. rebelling; 3. controlling other people; 4. being anxious. When something happens and we are unable to offer any help, we “worry” because worrying gives us a misconception that we are “doing”. It is not only useless but also increases the pressure on people beside us. One mother shared such a story: her little cute child once accidentally put a toy bead into the ear. At first, the mother planned to figure out a way to take it out by herself. But other family members urged her again and again to send the child to hospital. Finally, she yielded. Unfortunately, the situation went worse and worse when they went to different hospitals for help. The little accident ended up in a prescribed surgery with anesthesia. When the mother arrived home after a long and exhausting day, she calmed down and recalled what happened, thought hard and managed to take out the bead in her own way. This is a story proving how “worry” brings more trouble. Thankfully, the sober and conscious mother handles well her anxiety.
In one chapter, the author states that the cause of anxiety is rooted in the fear of death. This explains that why some people tend to be anxious when they are left alone, which will be likely to create dramatic conflicts in family and work place. The purpose of these intentionally-made conflicts is served to highlight their presence. If children are taught that life is beyond this lifetime, their questions about life and death can be better answered.
Therefore, we can’t help thinking and discussing: how can we talk about life and death with children? What is the meaning of life? One friend shared: she told her children: the meaning of “living” is to bring beauty, through our own existence, to the world and other people. For example, we are the parents. Our presence makes children’s life more colourful. Those parents who wants to achieve their beings through their children are prone to feel anxious. As long as the flowers of parents’ life trees are blossoming, leaves are proliferating, life is mattering, then they will not get anxious easily.
Furthermore, we shared our experience of the impermanence when young lives unexpectedly end out of a sudden and different feelings in Chinese and western funerals. Probably, disparate religions and beliefs result in the entirely opposite attitudes towards life and death. This polarity shapes different attitudes towards life and different degrees in anxiety. Take a guess, in the first year when we studied in university, what is the most popular selected course? Thanatology!
Gratitude is extended to Maggie Yau for her recommendation of the book, Man’s Search for Meaning, written by psychologist Viktor E. Frankl, a survivor from the concentration camp in WWII. Dr. Alexander Fu, immersed himself in reading, adds another quote to the book: No matter how they tormented me, they cannot take away my thoughts.
Another thing elaborated in this chapter is: being surrounded by parents’ “worry” and “anxiety”, children are likely to bear the roles of “victim” and “sacrifice” unconsciously. So, we have to be particularly aware that educating children is not a process to make up for our own regrets. Young children are the budding sprouts, not yet the fruits ready to be harvested. Therefore, the present time is the most crucial moment. Hear-to-heart communication is the source of nurturing. Every day we have many moments to establish the bond with children, like, a greeting, a touch, which brings huge encouragement and recognition to our children.
Gandhi quotes: “Be the change you want to see in the world.”
There is no lack of those parents who are in pursuit of being identified with their children and rush toward the future in a hurry, which convince their children that being busy can bring real values. When they grow up, they are more likely to be obsessed with the hedonistic lifestyle. So, helping children to possess right moral principles is the most important duty of parents. Children need to be taught that values are not in academic marks. They are not supposed to be addicted to the extravagant lifestyle boasting of “bigger” and “better” stuff. Even though they are normal and ordinary, we appreciate them. Satisfaction originates from inner heart, not outer world. There are many an occasion when we are eager to get others’ evaluation and compliment. Helping children establish self-cognition is conducive to their growth.