The Conscious Parent – actioninreading.org

The Conscious Parent: Transforming
Ourselves, Empowering Our Children
中文: 父母的觉醒
Author: Shefali Tsabary, Phd

This book leads us to explore and contemplate the truth about the relationship between parents and children from the perspective of psychology,

“He uncovers the surprising ways in which
parents do—and do not—prepare their
children for adulthood.”

Being Yourself, Conscious Parent

The Chinese version of The Conscious Parent: Transforming Ourselves, Empowering Our Children was published by Shanghai Academy of Social Sciences Press in 2013. The author is Shefali Tsabary.

In the perspective of psychology, the book observes and explores the relationship

between parents and children during their process of growing up. It reveals the truth in parent-child relationship and guides us through the intricate emotions and mentalities in the sacred journey of raising up our children. The parenting advocated by the book not only achieves the trinity of body, mind and heart nurturing, but also enables parents to obtain a complete maturity and enjoyment.

only achieves the trinity of body, mind and heart nurturing, but also enables parents to obtain a complete maturity and enjoyment.

Help parents to establish a deeper emotional bond with children, achieve the mutual parent-with-child help and growth

The Conscious Parent is a book explaining parenting in psychological and emotional perspectives. Being “conscious” means that we have to keep alert to whatever we experience, accept and handle it according to its original forms, rather than dare to control or change it. In other words, when we are bringing up children, we need to follow their own personality and accept their true self. Parents’ consciousness and transformation in attitude mark the real beginning of education. Only when parents find their way back to their body and soul can they succeed in bringing up a whole and healthy child.

Dr. Tsabary, the author, points out that parents and children are teammates in the journey of life, with the equal mutual help being the core of parent-with-child relationship. If parents are willing to give up vanity, arrogance, dominance and to respect the born nature of children, they can build up an intimate and harmonious connection with their children. If parents are willing to open their hearts, learn in practice, and seek answer in the interaction with children, they can fulfill progress and development together with their children.

Applying her research results in psychology, Dr. Tsabary encourages parents to undergo the hard times with love and sincerity. With that, they are also able to tackle the difficult issues in parent-child relationship and realize the mental consciousness. The parenthood advocated by her not only attains the integration in nurturing children’s body, mind and soul, but also enables a complete growth for parents.

Being “conscious” means that we should keep sensitive to everything we experience, accept and handle it according to its original forms, instead of daring to control and change it. To put it in other words, when we are cultivating our children, we need to follow their true nature and accept their true self. It is mentioned in the book that: perfect parents is a mirage. There is no ideal parents and no ideal children.

Most of the time, what makes parents feel impotent is not ignorance, but the inability to practice those simple and comprehensible parenthood. Perhaps, it is this state of “being unable” that destroys our definition of parental roles and the sense of fulfillment.

This book, in psychological perspective, leads us to observe and explore the truth lied in the parent-children relationship, and guides us through the emotional and spiritual intricacies in the journey of bringing up children. Parents’ consciousness and transformation mark the real beginning in education. Only when parents find their way back to their body and soul can they help children to grow into a holistic person.

This reading session is profuse in innovative reviews and quotes. After the session, Wendy concluded that, a majority of people in life are on the way in haste to unpredictable tomorrow and future. The origin of anxiety is rooted in the failure of connecting with their beings and the misconception that the action of “doing” can remove anxiety. Specifically, there are four kinds: 1. pursuing; 2. rebelling; 3. controlling other people; 4. being anxious. When something happens and we are unable to offer any help, we “worry” because worrying gives us a misconception that we are “doing”. It is not only useless but also increases the pressure on people beside us. One mother shared such a story: her little cute child once accidentally put a toy bead into the ear. At first, the mother planned to figure out a way to take it out by herself. But other family members urged her again and again to send the child to hospital. Finally, she yielded. Unfortunately, the situation went worse and worse when they went to different hospitals for help. The little accident ended up in a prescribed surgery with anesthesia. When the mother arrived home after a long and exhausting day, she calmed down and recalled what happened, thought hard and managed to take out the bead in her own way. This is a story proving how “worry” brings more trouble. Thankfully, the sober and conscious mother handles well her anxiety.

In one chapter, the author states that the cause of anxiety is rooted in the fear of death. This explains that why some people tend to be anxious when they are left alone, which will be likely to create dramatic conflicts in family and work place. The purpose of these intentionally-made conflicts is served to highlight their presence. If children are taught that life is beyond this lifetime, their questions about life and death can be better answered.

Therefore, we can’t help thinking and discussing: how can we talk about life and death with children? What is the meaning of life? One friend shared: she told her children: the meaning of “living” is to bring beauty, through our own existence, to the world and other people. For example, we are the parents. Our presence makes children’s life more colourful. Those parents who wants to achieve their beings through their children are prone to feel anxious. As long as the flowers of parents’ life trees are blossoming, leaves are proliferating, life is mattering, then they will not get anxious easily.

Furthermore, we shared our experience of the impermanence when young lives unexpectedly end out of a sudden and different feelings in Chinese and western funerals. Probably, disparate religions and beliefs result in the entirely opposite attitudes towards life and death. This polarity shapes different attitudes towards life and different degrees in anxiety. Take a guess, in the first year when we studied in university, what is the most popular selected course? Thanatology!

Gratitude is extended to Maggie Yau for her recommendation of the book, Man’s Search for Meaning, written by psychologist Viktor E. Frankl, a survivor from the concentration camp in WWII. Dr. Alexander Fu, immersed himself in reading, adds another quote to the book: No matter how they tormented me, they cannot take away my thoughts.

Another thing elaborated in this chapter is: being surrounded by parents’ “worry” and “anxiety”, children are likely to bear the roles of “victim” and “sacrifice” unconsciously. So, we have to be particularly aware that educating children is not a process to make up for our own regrets. Young children are the budding sprouts, not yet the fruits ready to be harvested. Therefore, the present time is the most crucial moment. Hear-to-heart communication is the source of nurturing. Every day we have many moments to establish the bond with children, like, a greeting, a touch, which brings huge encouragement and recognition to our children.

Gandhi quotes: “Be the change you want to see in the world.”

There is no lack of those parents who are in pursuit of being identified with their children and rush toward the future in a hurry, which convince their children that being busy can bring real values. When they grow up, they are more likely to be obsessed with the hedonistic lifestyle. So, helping children to possess right moral principles is the most important duty of parents. Children need to be taught that values are not in academic marks. They are not supposed to be addicted to the extravagant lifestyle boasting of “bigger” and “better” stuff. Even though they are normal and ordinary, we appreciate them. Satisfaction originates from inner heart, not outer world. There are many an occasion when we are eager to get others’ evaluation and compliment. Helping children establish self-cognition is conducive to their growth.

Our veteran member, Simone, made Tiramisu for us to enjoy at the finale party of this reading session. The taste still lingers on our tongues.

More reviews from our members:

In the group sharing, I remember one mother said: her neighbour has two kids one is excellent in academics, the other is average. During the book reading, I found inspirational sentences fit for the above example. “Please don’t follow fixed patterns to raise up children”, “Every child wants to get different things from their parents. Some need us to be gentle and calm while some need us to be firm and determined”. It tells us that each child is a unique individual, and requires parents to tailor our ways of education by different children.

—Hongyan Zhou

I would like to extend my gratitude to Maggie for her careful preparation and profound sharing. Many friends also shared their happiness and sorrow in child raising and spousal relationship: surprise and sweetness on Valentine’s Day, loving family gathering on wedding anniversary after the cancellation of candle dinner, harsh blow at the receiving of report card, cultural clash when communicating with teachers in public schools, dilemma in confronting different education values when moving to Singapore, secret knacks to control the impulse of spanking children, the memory recalled by a once straight A student who wrote a complaint letter to the principal, and a story how a mother helps her daughter to achieve independence by boarding in high school and respect her choice in university major and school. Smiles and tears are both the evidence of our self growth in raising children and getting along with our spouses. I sincerely appreciate the sharing from my dear friends. I also hope AIR to be the spiritual garden for us to share and care.

—- Wendy Wen

I like the recent two chapters very much. Last week, an article says, “two things children are supposed to get from their parents are: root and wings.” Goethe echoes, root nurtures the children’s life; wings allow their souls to fly. All these are originated from the parents’ trust on their children.

—- Sisi Chen

@hongyan Zhou This morning, when the reading proceeded in your gentle voice, my whole heart anchored; my brain opened. You inspired us to discuss about thanatology and ponder over the issues of lavish lifestyles. How lucky we are as we have the access to this book! I really enjoyed your lead reading which guide us through a peaceful understanding.

—-Claire Chen

Thank you for the sharing. Our generation has similar experiences. In The Conscious Parent, one sentence that is most unforgettable and keeps hovering in my mind is, “Children don’t need parents’ subjective expectation, authority and control, but their help in adjusting body and mind, so as to realize a harmonious company in every present moments.” I feel so lucky to have the sincere exchange with other members. Look forward to the next meet-up in September.

—- Bonnie Jiang

For further information about The Conscious Parent, please visit the following websites:

https://drshefali.com/
personal website of the author, including interviews, audios, videos, meditation course and case study
https://youtu.be/0P9SauG4f70

https://youtu.be/hBeJ6nUOHL8

Member Testimonial

感谢@Claire @Lei @千里香今天被震惊到了，博引旁证的思辨过程，带着疑问去讨论书中的关于成长，关于成功的思考，非常受启发 – Cynthia Qiant

感谢今天Maggie 的用心准备和分享。众多小伙伴也分享了育儿和夫妻关系中的喜怒哀乐：有情人节的意外和美好，有结婚纪念日法式大餐被取消后的全家温情相守，有拿到report卡后的暴击，有在公校中与老师的文化冲突，有在新加坡空降后面对不同教育价值观的选择，有如何控制手撕亲生蛾子冲动的秘笈，有学霸追忆当年高中给校长手写投诉信维权的故事，有妈妈放手高中住校女生的独立成长和尊重孩子择校择专业的故事……欢笑，眼泪，都是我们育儿和夫妻相处之道的自我成长。感谢小伙伴们的真诚分享，希望我们的读书会成为彼此守望相助的精神家园。期待下一周的相聚，期待更多的成长和进步！–Wendy Wen

非常喜欢这两章的内容，上周一篇文章中分享到的，“孩子应该从父母那里得到两样东西：根和翅膀。”歌德如是说。有了根，孩子的生命得到滋养；有了翅膀，孩子的灵魂能够飞翔。而这一切，源于父母对孩子的相信。 –Sisi Chen

生活中不乏从孩子身上找认同感而匆忙奔赴未来的父母，这使得孩子们也相信忙碌才会有价值，长大了也更追求夜总会的纸醉金迷。因此帮助孩子确定价值观才是父母最重要的工作，要让他们知道，价值不取决于他们的成绩，而他们也不用沉迷于生命中夸张的更大更好，即使他们平凡无奇，我们也同样欣赏他们。满足，来源于内心，而不是外在世界。太多时候，我们希望受到别人的评价和夸赞，帮助孩子建立Self- image，建立自我认知，对孩子的成长很有帮助。 –Wendy Wen

@hongyan zhou 早晨在你轻声软语的带领下细细品读，整颗心都沉淀下来，脑壳里的
世界突然开阔了起来。你带动了大家一起讨论生死学，也带动了大家思考不觉醒还想
不平凡的种种问题，我深深感觉能接触这本书的父母是何其幸运的父母，非常享受并
感谢妳的领读带领我们静心体悟。 –Claire Chen

感谢分享，我们这一代很多人都有此种经历，《父母觉醒》一书中记得最牢，最经常徘徊脑海的话“孩子不需要父母的主张期望，权威和控制，而是帮助他们调节身心，在每一个当下与他们和谐相伴”非常幸运的能在读书会中与各位书友的真诚交流，期待下期9月的再次相聚。 –Bonnie Jiang

我们以何种方式与内在的自我发生联系并活出真我，将会对孩子产生无与伦比的重要
影响。因此，我们需要时常向自己提问，以审视自己是否形成了活在当下的习惯：
我能否做到心思沉静？
我能否做到停止思想，只是感觉、倾听、品味自己每一刻的状态？
我能否开怀大笑，即使生活没有按照既定计划进行？
我能否同情他人，即使在自己受到伤害的情况下？
我尊重自己的身体吗？
我能够保持热情吗？
我热爱自己并非完美的生活吗？
我能否做到“我就是我”，即使什么也不做，什么“出息”也没有？
我能否坦然面对内心深处的情感，不惧评判，也不感羞赧？
我能否从内心出发来观照整个世界？
–Sisi Chen